"Mental Health– A person's condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well- being."
This post contains sensitive topics.
Having a physical condition/chronic illness can affect your mental health. I am going to write about my experience. It may not be the same for you, this is just my experience. I am also not an expert. If you think you're mental health is getting worse, please get help, don't suffer in silence. I will add some links below.
Being diagnosed with arthritis at the age of 7 was a massive shock, not only to me but my parents and peers too. Of course, I was young so I took everything in my stride, perhaps thinking this was 'normal'; having blood tests, injections and weekly hospital visits. I didn't quite understand my condition or why my parents were telling me I was "So brave". I didn't quite understand I was different from my friends, but I did understand I was in pain.
I didn't really notice or care about how arthritis affected the way I looked until I started Prednisolone, a steroid medication. One of the side effects of this drug was a puffy/bloated face. I never cared what people thought about me or the way I looked until this happened to me. I was afraid to smile due to my cheeks becoming puffy and I was afraid to show my face because of it. From here, the insecurities only got worse. I limped, my wrists were swollen, my face was puffy and I had bruises on my arms from blood tests. I couldn't sit on the floor in assembly and people stared at me and questioned "Why does she get to sit on a chair?". My illness was, mostly, invisible and so was my insecurity. Again, insecurity was also something I didn't really understand, I just kind of thought, "Well, it's just something I don't like about myself" and carried on. When I moved to Secondary School, all I wanted to do was cry and go home. There were so many new people; they didn't know I had arthritis. "Do I have to tell them? Will they judge me? I want my old friends! They'd understand me!" So much pressure and internal conflict was placed on my shoulders, but I felt I couldn't ask anyone about it. It's my problem, I must solve it myself.
My mind began to turn to a dark place. I was in a new school (Having only ever been in the same school all my life), surrounded by new people, in pain and I was upset. Over the way I looked, walked and had a tubi-grip on half the time. Bombarded with questions, faced with weird looks; I grew used to it, but I didn't grow used to the way I looked at myself. I hated looking in the mirror and seeing someone I don't know. I used to be very skinny until I started medication and stopped exercising regularly due to the pain. I hated this.
I remember very vividly being in about year 9 and we were in a PE Lesson playing Hockey. For some reason, Hockey is a winter sport and being hit by a Hockey stick or a hard ball in the cold was painful, but joints going stiff and running around playing Hockey was excruciating. I cried. I remember facing my partner a couple meters away from me. She was passing me the ball using the passing technique. I reached for the ball with my stick and gasped. I said no words to my partner, walked past her and straight to the teacher.
"Miss," I said, a couple tears rolling down my face,"I need to sit down. Please." She looked at me with pity and nodded her head. I went to sit down and cried, feeling sorry for myself. I'll never forget the way she looked at me. Maybe it was sympathy, I don't know. But I was used to the looks of shock or surprise when the words "I have arthritis" left my mouth.
Regrettably, I admit, I would hurt myself, and I convinced myself it made me feel better. I convinced myself that it was helping. It wasn't and it made me feel worse.
I never spoke to anyone about my arthritis truthfully to anyone. Everyone is so focused on physical health, they forget about mental health. It took a horrible toll on me and I don't know if I'll ever be the same, remission or not, but I did get help in Year 10. I began speaking to the teachers in student support. I made a journal. I got help and began speaking out. Please, don't suffer in silence and don't hate yourself. As my school councillor said to me, "Arthritis is a part of you. It doesn't define you."
Links for mental health support:
Kooth: https://www.kooth.com/
Young Minds: https://youngminds.org.uk/
Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk/
Befrienders Worldwide: https://www.befrienders.org
Samaritans: jo@samaritans.org or 116 123 (Freephone)
Versus Arthritis: https://www.versusarthritis.org or 0800 5200 520 (helpline)
Also, I am always open to talk! Drop me an email at jiacaitlyn@gmail.com with the subject 'Arthritis Help'.
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