Mental Health

"Mental Health– A person's condition with regard to their psychological and emotional well- being."

This post contains sensitive topics.

Arthritis is a physical condition, but it can affect your mental health too. A lot of the time, it's negative thoughts about yourself or your condition or maybe anxiety towards physical activities in school such as PE. Perhaps it doesn't affect you; don't let it. Mental Health is just as important as physical health, perhaps more important. If Mental Health begins to deteriorate, it can be invisible and hard to spot, meaning it can sometimes become fatal to the person. 
Having a physical condition/chronic illness can affect your mental health. I am going to write about my experience. It may not be the same for you, this is just my experience. I am also not an expert. If you think you're mental health is getting worse, please get help, don't suffer in silence. I will add some links below. 

Being diagnosed with arthritis at the age of 7 was a massive shock, not only to me but my parents and peers too. Of course, I was young so I took everything in my stride, perhaps thinking this was 'normal'; having blood tests, injections and weekly hospital visits. I didn't quite understand my condition or why my parents were telling me I was "So brave". I didn't quite understand I was different from my friends, but I did understand I was in pain. 
I didn't really notice or care about how arthritis affected the way I looked until I started Prednisolone, a steroid medication. One of the side effects of this drug was a puffy/bloated face. I never cared what people thought about me or the way I looked until this happened to me. I was afraid to smile due to my cheeks becoming puffy and I was afraid to show my face because of it. From here, the insecurities only got worse. I limped, my wrists were swollen, my face was puffy and I had bruises on my arms from blood tests. I couldn't sit on the floor in assembly and people stared at me and questioned "Why does she get to sit on a chair?". My illness was, mostly, invisible and so was my insecurity. Again, insecurity was also something I didn't really understand, I just kind of thought, "Well, it's just something I don't like about myself" and carried on. When I moved to Secondary School, all I wanted to do was cry and go home. There were so many new people; they didn't know I had arthritis. "Do I have to tell them? Will they judge me? I want my old friends! They'd understand me!" So much pressure and internal conflict was placed on my shoulders, but I felt I couldn't ask anyone about it. It's my problem, I must solve it myself. 

My mind began to turn to a dark place. I was in a new school (Having only ever been in the same school all my life), surrounded by new people, in pain and I was upset. Over the way I looked, walked and had a tubi-grip on half the time. Bombarded with questions, faced with weird looks; I grew used to it, but I didn't grow used to the way I looked at myself. I hated looking in the mirror and seeing someone I don't know. I used to be very skinny until I started medication and stopped exercising regularly due to the pain. I hated this. 

I remember very vividly being in about year 9 and we were in a PE Lesson playing Hockey. For some reason, Hockey is a winter sport and being hit by a Hockey stick or a hard ball in the cold was painful, but joints going stiff and running around playing Hockey was excruciating. I cried. I remember facing my partner a couple meters away from me. She was passing me the ball using the passing technique. I reached for the ball with my stick and gasped. I said no words to my partner, walked past her and straight to the teacher. 
"Miss," I said, a couple tears rolling down my face,"I need to sit down. Please." She looked at me with pity and nodded her head. I went to sit down and cried, feeling sorry for myself. I'll never forget the way she looked at me. Maybe it was sympathy, I don't know. But I was used to the looks of shock or surprise when the words "I have arthritis" left my mouth. 

Regrettably, I admit, I would hurt myself, and I convinced myself it made me feel better. I convinced myself that it was helping. It wasn't and it made me feel worse. 

I never spoke to anyone about my arthritis truthfully to anyone. Everyone is so focused on physical health, they forget about mental health. It took a horrible toll on me and I don't know if I'll ever be the same, remission or not, but I did get help in Year 10. I began speaking to the teachers in student support. I made a journal. I got help and began speaking out. Please, don't suffer in silence and don't hate yourself. As my school councillor said to me, "Arthritis is a part of you. It doesn't define you." 

Links for mental health support:
Kooth: https://www.kooth.com/
Young Minds: https://youngminds.org.uk/
Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk/
Befrienders Worldwide: https://www.befrienders.org
Samaritans: jo@samaritans.org or 116 123 (Freephone)
Versus Arthritis: https://www.versusarthritis.org or 0800 5200 520 (helpline)
Also, I am always open to talk! Drop me an email at jiacaitlyn@gmail.com with the subject 'Arthritis Help'.